Paper Wings
by Clouted Cankerblossom
Summary: It's been over fifteen years since he last saw her but she hasn't changed a bit and he knows she'll slip straight back into his life as if she was never gone -/Charlie and Jude, plus most of current cast
1. Chapter 1

**_you're never gone forever_**

* * *

She wasn't sure if anyone she knew other than Charlie would still be here, it'd been that long she didn't even recognise the surrounding area that well, it had changed a lot since she'd last been here to visit Charlie, about eight years ago. It had been over fifteen years since she'd lived here, worked at the hospital. Yet now she was back. And this time she didn't just have herself to think about.

'Mum, get him to give it back, it's not fair, it's mine'

She sighs as she listens to her two youngest children bicker and squabble from the back of the car. 'Thomas, Alice, for god's sake stop fighting will you?' She tells them. They both begin to explain themselves, ready to pose their sides of the argument but she prevents them from doing so with a firm. 'No, I don't want to hear it, sort it out between yourselves' she says calmly yet authoritatively. They continue to squabble, but they make sure to keep their voices down as they do so as they try to avoid getting into trouble. Their mum never really got angry but you could always tell when she was upset or disappointed in you, even when she tried her best to hide it.

'How long until we get there?'

Her middle daughter chirps up. Emma's also sat in the back of the car and from what she can see in the wing mirror has spent almost the whole journey with a battered copy of 'David Copperfield' glued to her hands.

'Not long now, Em, we should be there by six' she says and she notices Emma lean over her sister (who's been squashed in the middle) to look at the car clock. It says four forty-six but it's an hour slow, she'd never worked out how to change it and they'd all just become accustomed to having to count an hour forwards.

'So only about ten minutes then?' Emma asks and she nods in response. Emma then resumes her position, David Copperfield wedged between her hands and eyes fixated on the page. Alice and Tom continue to argue for the rest of the journey while Poppy, her eldest daughter who's in the coveted front-seat position sits with her iPod jammed in her ears and occasionally makes small adjustments to the drawing on the open page of her sketch pad. Poppy's drawing a fairy, some sort of evil gothic fairy highlighted with dark shading and spooky candles in the surrounding scene. The fairy has piercings, streaked hair and doc martens. And a facial expression that's frighteningly cold, unfeeling. Even catching just the odd glimpse of the drawing makes her shiver; she wonders where her daughter's creative visions come from sometimes, why most of Poppy's drawings are the scariest she's ever encountered.

She notices now that they're on the road of their destination and she calls out to the rest of the car to 'look out for house numbers, we're looking for number 63'. The children call out random numbers as they spot them (41, 18, 27) until Emma finally sees 'number 63' and shouts for everyone to stop.

They pile out of the car, Alice and Tom still fighting; Poppy snapping her sketchbook shut and shoving it along with her iPod into her backpack and Emma keeping hold of her book, placing a small piece of purple ribbon in between the pages so she remembers the point she's at. They don't bother to retrieve their main bags from the boot yet; she just grabs hold of Alice and Tom's hands and hurries to the door, releasing Tom to push the doorbell before taking his hand hostage once more. 'Em, Pops, come on' she calls to her two oldest children, who are stood by the car. Poppy, being six years senior takes Emma's hand in a manner similar to how her mother took Thomas and Alice's hands and drags Emma to the door, hunching her shoulders slightly and dragging her feet a little with the reluctance of a true teenager. Emma skips behind her, role of annoying younger sister evident just from looking at them.

The door opens and there stands Charlie with a toddler wrapped around his legs. She's so delighted to see him again that, for a moment she just stands there, stock still. Then it hits her. _She's really back in holby._

* * *

_**notes- **__who is 'she'? it's probably rather obvious but hey, feel free to guess! please review (you can tell me who you've guessed) and if you like it enough to favourite or follow that'd really make my day! sorry for any mistakes, tell me if you spot some._


	2. Chapter 2

**_you've not told me why_**

* * *

'Charlie!' she squeals, throwing herself on him, wrapping her arms around his neck. 'It's so great to see you again'

'Jude' he responds, an amused smile gracing his face. She hasn't changed a bit; she still possesses that child-like excitement he always loved about her. As she released him he felt Megan stumble over his toes. He scooped her up into his arms and tickled her for a moment, before turning back to Jude, who's trying to placate the two smaller children of the four who'd got out of the car with her. 'Megan, meet Jude' he says to his small granddaughter, who's currently looking curiously at the five unfamiliar people stood on his doorstep.

Jude turns back to face Charlie at the mention of her name (she'd been trying to split up a long overdue fight between Alice and Tom) and her face instantly brightens up when she spots the three year old staring at her inquisitively, she always did like little children. 'Hello Megan' she says as Megan seemingly surveys her, head cocked sideways. After a moment of hesitation, the child stretches her arms out in Jude's direction and Jude takes the girl from Charlie, balancing her on her hip, beginning to rock her about. Poppy and Emma, who up until now had been lurking a little behind their mother, come forward to coo over the young child. Even Alice and Tom stop their quarrel for a moment to admire Megan.

'She's beautiful, Charlie' Jude tells him 'but why are you looking after her? I'm guessing she's not yours' she asks, wondering if he's just looking after her for the day or this is a permanent measure and Megan currently resides with him in the house.

'No, she isn't mine' he chuckles 'she's Louis' with some girl he met in the hospital who turned out not be mother material' he notices her inquisitive look and realises she wants to find out if Megan lives with him or not. 'Yes, Jude' he laughs because he knows exactly what she's going to ask before she even utters a word 'she lives with me and will be doing so for the foreseeable future. Now, come on in, we can't just stand on the doorstep all day, as lovely as it is I was planning on allowing you to come inside'

She laughs appreciatively and puts Megan down, who seems reluctant to be released from Jude's arms. She sends the children off to get their bags and Emma takes Megan's hand, allowing her to run with them. 'So, what are their names?' Charlie asks Jude while they watch the children retrieve the cases from the car boot.

'The tall one with dark brown hair who looks the spitting image of Matt is Poppy; the boy is Thomas; the smallest girl who everyone says looks like me is Alice and Emma is the one holding hands with Megan.' Jude tells him and he can detect a proud edge to her voice. He can tell she loves her children just from listening to her talk about them.

'Why are you back, Jude?' he asks, voicing the question that's been haunting his mind ever since she rang him about a week ago and asked if she and her children could possible lodge with him for a while, just until they found somewhere in Holby to live. Suddenly he watches as her bright exterior crumbles and he realises he's put his foot in it. He gently places his arm around her shoulder and pulls her into him, rubbing his hand against her back in an attempt to comfort her. She isn't crying but she's shaking a little and the smile has been wiped straight from her face and a distressed look has replaced it.

'I'm sorry, Charlie' she says to him 'one day I'll tell you' she pulls out of the hug and looks him in the eyes. 'I'm just not ready yet' she tells him 'it's still too fresh.' He respects this and makes a mental note not to ask her again until he feels she's more settled.

'Hey, when you've put your bags in your rooms how do you fancy going to the pub?' he asks.

'What?' she asks, a little confused at this sudden proposition.

'Well, the current members of the ED tend to enjoy going for a post-work drink together and I daresay they'll make us all very welcome.' He says, giving her an encouraging smile.

She tips her head to the side and returns the smile 'sure, that sounds good' she answers. 'So, anyone I know still here? Or am I so old that I won't recognise any of the current crowd?'

* * *

**_notes: _**_well done gemma, you guessed correctly (everything you guessed was absolutely right!) and thank you gillian kearney fan and terri ann for reviewing- i really do appreciate it. most of the current characters will begin to feature in the next chapter. i am aware that length of these chapters is obscenely short but i just don't feel like making them very long for some reason._


	3. Chapter 3

**_you almost don't recognise anyone_**

* * *

They didn't unpack any of their bags; just dumped their stuff in their allocated bedrooms and headed straight for the pub, choosing to walk after some quick calculations revealed that they would be unable to all fit into just one car. Emma was still holding Megan's hand and it appeared that Megan had already begun to idolise the older girl, having stated to Charlie as he zipped her coat up that she wanted to sit next to Emma at the pub and hold Emma's hand as they walked. He liked seeing Megan interact with the older girl; it amused him to watch her hang onto Emma's every word and decide she liked everything Emma liked, even if just the other day her favourite colour had been yellow as opposed to green.

Charlie led the way into the pub, pushing open the door and instantly being greeted by a few of the staff members. Jude could tell he was popular with all his co-workers by the loud chorus of cheers that aroused when he entered and, she hates to admit it but she almost tried to hide behind him, she felt nervous about meeting the people this time next week she'd be working with.

'Where did you get all these kids from Charlie?' she hears someone pipe up and feels herself going a shocking shade of crimson, despite the fact she doesn't really have much to be embarrassed about.

'Wait a minute, is that Jude hiding behind you?' she suddenly realises she recognises that voice, it's not changed a bit.

'Ash?' Jude steps out from her hiding place. 'What are you doing here?' she asks, surprised to see him 'you left before me, don't tell me you've come back too?'

'Am I missing something?' a man with dark plaited hair asks 'do you three all know each other?' Jude and Ash ignore him; both too shocked at seeing each other to pay much attention to the rest of the conversation.

'Actually I have, only this time I hold a higher rank than you Nurse Kocarnik because I am a consultant!' he teases, stressing the word 'nurse' and spreading out the word consultant, emphasizing each syllable far more than necessary.

'Mum, can we get some crisps?' Alice tugs on Jude's sleeve having just noticed that behind the bar is a rack full of crisps.

'Mum?' Ash questions 'are all of these yours?' he asks, trying and failing to cover up the surprise in his voice as he indicates to the five children.

'All except the little one, yes, they are Ash; try not to sound too surprised.'

'Sorry, I just never saw you as the kind of mumsy-type' he tells her while Megan attempts to climb onto his knee. He heaves her up and sits her down, then asks the killer question. 'So, where's Matt?'

Again, Charlie watches the façade crack as she begins to tremble. Ash realises he's put his foot in it and so turns to the children in an attempt to give Jude some space. 'Right, did I hear someone mention crisps?' he asks them and Alice and Tom nod eagerly. 'Come on' he says to them all, including the older two, even though Emma protests, voicing her dislike for crisps.

Jude slips into a chair Charlie has pulled up and he introduces her to all the rest of the staff but she isn't really listening. She catches that the lady who spoke as she came in was 'Zoe' and the man who asked if Jude, Ash and Charlie knew one another was 'Noel' but other than that she couldn't really gather much, she was far too wrapped up in her own thoughts. She heard someone called 'Sam' ask her if she had any funny or embarrassing stories about either Charlie or Ash and she's not sure what she answered but she imagined it was something along the lines of 'plenty' and 'I'll tell you them over time.'

That night Jude lay in her bed, awake. She stared up at the ceiling and felt tears begin to well in her eyes, stinging them. She tries not to cry but before she knows it she's sat up, knees pulled tightly up into her chest, tears spilling down her eyes and silent sobs escaping her mouth. She's in a small room with the window facing out to the back garden of Charlie's property and she knows Alice and Poppy are in the twin room next door to her, with Tom and Emma on camp beds in Megan's bedroom.

'Mum?' she jumps as she realises her middle daughter is stood by the door, a torch clamped in her right fist and her eczema cream in her left.

'Emma, what are you doing up?' she hisses, rubbing her eyes, trying to hide any sign of her crying even though she's well aware Emma saw her crying. Emma doesn't say anything, just runs to Jude's bed and launches herself into her arms.

'My eczema got worse and I miss Daddy. I want him to put my cream on.' She too begins to cry and Jude rubs her back, shushing her as she does so, trying to hold back her own tears.

'I miss Daddy too' Jude tells her daughter, pushing her away and tucking a lock of curly hair behind her ears and wiping the tears off her face. 'but we're going to have to get used to him not being here, aren't we?' she takes the cream from Emma's hand and begins applying it to the places on her skin where small red patches have formed and where Jude knows will be irritating Emma most.

'Why?' Emma questions innocently, genuinely misunderstanding 'why do you we have to get used to not having him here?'

'We just do, okay Emma; we're just going to have to.' Jude snaps. 'He's no longer part of our lives and we need to be accustomed to that. Now go to bed.' She tries to send Emma off but her daughter isn't having any of it.

'Can I sleep here tonight?' asks Emma, indicating to Jude's bed and Jude sighs. She can't help but say yes because, if she's honest, she wants Emma to stay. She wants someone to hug close, someone to hold. Emma crawls under the covers and even though it's a squash Jude instantly feels more comfortable; soothed. And Emma relaxes too, her head rested in the nook of Jude's shoulder. 'Night night mum' she says 'I love you.' She tells her and places a gentle kiss on her cheek.

'I love you too, Ems'

* * *

**_notes- _**_again, thanks to gillian kearney fan and tatty ted for reviewing and hopefully the next chapter will be up later today or tomorrow because i already have it written out, i just need to type it up._


	4. Chapter 4

**_you can never keep hold_**

* * *

Jude spends her morning being shown around the new emergency department, getting used to the new layout and unfamiliar system. The system in Crete had been different and, over fifteen years, the English system had, as expected, evolved. She spent the afternoon shadowing Charlie and working with Sam, a reasonably young, evidently clever doctor in cubicles. The day for her was reasonably relaxed and rather uneventful with reasonably standard cases to deal with and as she and Sam sat in the staff room mulling over the days events she realised just how well she'd managed to adjust and fit back into Holby.

She hears a few people organise to go to the pub and Sam offers her if she wants to come. She's zoned out a little so Sam has to ask twice but when she hears she pauses for a moment, weighing up her options, before declining. She hears a few moans from the rest of the staff as they lament about her needing a 'first day drink' but she doesn't change her mind; she has to pick up the three younger children from after-school-club and she knows Poppy will already be home and have let herself in (knowing Poppy she'll probably have started making tea; she finds a solace and enjoyment in cooking Jude could never muster) but she doesn't want to make the fourteen year old remain in her own company for any longer than necessary.

Alice has painted her a picture; Tom's made her a biscuit and Emma's made her some sort of Chinese lantern thing (or so Emma claims) and when she gets home Poppy has indeed begun to cook and it smells good; far better than anything Jude could even attempt to concoct. Charlie is working a double shift so he won't be home for a while and Megan is apparently with her childminder until seven when the lady, who Jude is reliably informed is named 'Julie', will drop her off which means they have the house to themselves for at least an hour. Not that Jude disliked having Charlie and Megan around; she loved having a friend around and the little toddler was a bundle of joy, she just liked to have some time alone with her family. Her incomplete family. There was a gaping hole in her chest where the remainder of her family should be but it remained empty. It was never going to be sewn up.

She wasn't entirely sure what she was doing but she wandered aimlessly into the kitchen where Emma and Alice were sat; Emma helping Alice with her incredibly simple spellings (made, cage, shave) and Poppy was mixing a sauce of some sort and she marvelled at how well her children had managed to accept and settle into their new life, despite being surrounded by a completely unfamiliar crowd of people and atmosphere. Tom ran in, pushing passed Jude, making some sort of 'brum' noise as he charged about the kitchen clutching a couple of plastic vehicles. He circles the table a few times until his sisters almost simultaneously tell him to 'go away' before rushing back out of the room to continue his car game elsewhere, entirely settled in the new house.

It takes a few weeks for Jude to get to that stage of comfort; the stage when she could accept they were here for the foreseeable future. It had actually been Sam who'd forced Jude to accept her life in Holby; she'd managed to catch on to Jude's reluctance to mention staying in Holby for the long term and had decided to tackle it by inviting herself over for dinner at Charlie and Jude's. While there, she'd made some casual remark about how well Jude had settle in and what a great asset to the team she was and that had done the trick.

So it came, to Sam at least, as no surprise that Jude began to integrate herself more into the team; making her mark in the staff room by placing her old purple mug on the shelf and gradually beginning to genuinely use her locker; lining it with images of her children amongst other family members. She always ate her lunch on a specific stool and she'd worked herself firmly into the daily routine of running in to work, much to Charlie's horror. She was always on time to arrive and usually left about half an hour after she was due to leave. She'd made a few friends at work in Sam, Lloyd and Jamie who were the three people she found herself spending the most time with and she found herself back on good terms with Ash, their old friendship comfortably rekindled just as her friendship with Charlie was now firmly re-established. She teased Mac about his diet, Noel about his action figures, the junior nurses about their inexperience and she helped anyone and everyone who needed her help, just like she used to. Everything seemed just right, she felt like another cog in Holby's dysfunctional family.

Then she slipped. Without even realising, she lost her balance; her clutch on reality.

She'd watched as a patient's relative refused to believe her daughter was dead and even though Jude knew she should be comforting the grieving relative it all became too real for her; too harsh. It hit her like a brick wall and she felt the impact instantly. She just left, like it was part of her instinct because she didn't know how to deal with the sudden revelation. She felt like a patient in resus and she had to escape; she didn't know where to but she knew she had to be anywhere but where she was.

They don't know where she went, they don't know why she minute she was in the emergency department, her arm round the mother of the recently deceased patient and the next she was getting away, far, far away from Holby. Someone thinks they saw her get on a train but they didn't see what train or where it was going so they weren't much help. She just disappeared, ran.

Ran too far.


	5. Chapter 5

**_you always want what isn't yours_**

* * *

They sat outside school, wondering when she was going to come and get them. After school club finished at six and normally their mum had picked them up by then. The carers had evidently had enough of waiting and wanted to leave; they'd rung her phone many times and when they'd seen on the list of details that 'Matthew Hawley' was down as reserve caller they'd rung him too but the number hadn't come up, apparently it was no longer in use. And so there the three children sat; Alice and Tom on either side of Emma, Alice to the right and Tom to the left. It was finally decided that they'd try and ring the third caller and so the secretary rang 'Charles Fairhead'. This time they got an answer, an answer from a frantic Charlie who told them Jude had run out of shift and he was looking for her now and telling them that he'd sent Poppy to pick them up after she went and got Megan. As he said, he wasn't sure if it was legal for a fourteen year old to take four children home but they'd been waiting almost an hour now so surely anyone with half a brain was allowed to collect them? Especially considering the circumstances.

'Ems, Ali, Tom' there's a small tapping on the window and by now the carers are _so relieved _that someone's finally come they let them go, silently cursing the law. Megan's there too, in her buggy and the five walk home, Poppy constantly on the phone to Charlie. When they get home she heats them up some sort of old lasagne, she simply doesn't possess the energy or motivation to cook properly, and sets down the three youngest in front of the television. She and Emma, meanwhile, sit in the kitchen discussing their mother.

'She still hasn't got over it' Emma states.

'You don't say' Poppy replies sarcastically and Emma pulls a face at her in response, annoyed at her sister's constant mocking.

'Whatever' Emma answers 'anyway, why is it taking her so long to recover, he's been gone for almost five years now. I bet he has a new partner now and everything.' She predicts and Poppy looks horrified at the final remark.

'He can't' she exclaims with ferocity in her voice Emma doesn't think she's heard before. Then she looks at Emma as Emma raises an eyebrow and relinquishes a little, inside doubting her statement. 'Let's ring him.' She decides, getting out her mobile phone.

'But you've heard, the number wasn't in use' Emma leans over and plucks the phone from Poppy's hand, banging it down against the table.

'_That _copy of his number wasn't in use.' Poppy corrects 'this version probably is.' She says. Emma looks confused for a moment, then Poppy sighs. 'For god's sake Ems, this is his _work _number.'

'How did you get that?' Emma exclaims, now even more confused than she was before 'wait, how on earth do you even know where he works?'

'Facebook.' Poppy answers simply. 'I tracked him down; took me ages but I found him eventually. And no, I couldn't view all his profile, just where he worked and where he grew up.'

'Wha- why did you never tell mum? Or me?' Emma asks, feeling a little let down that Poppy didn't tell her; normally the two sisters told each other everything.

'I knew you'd all want to ring him loads' she sighs 'and get back in contact.' She presses a button on her phone and holds it up to her ear, tossing her hair back slightly as she did so. 'I didn't want to know him' she explains, then places a finger to her lip to tell Emma to be quiet.

'Hello? Premier Inn London?' A posh female voice from the other end of the phone answers.

'Hi, we'd like to speak to Matt Hawley if that's okay?' Poppy puts on a slightly more snobbish accent to match the voice of the persons she's speaking to.

'Matty?' The lady sounds surprised 'how do you know him?' she asks.

'Um… uh, we're his… nieces' she says, remembering their cousins who she was pretty sure were still in contact with him.

'Why did you do that?' Emma hisses but Poppy just kicks her to make her shut up.

'Oh, you must be Savannah then?' she asks, almost excitedly. 'I'm Laura, by the way, I suppose your dad has mentioned me.'

'Yes, I'm Savannah' Poppy answers, wondering how this 'Laura' knows Savannah and why on earth her dad would have mentioned her. Suddenly the aforementioned suspicions about his current family state slip back and she begins to feel her heart beat quicken 'and I'm with Lucy.' She adds, just to clarify that she isn't an imposter, even though she kind of is.

'Matty actually isn't in work today but I'll tell him you called if you like; get him to call you back' Laura says but Poppy cuts her short.

'No- I mean, we'd like to speak to him urgently but we've lost his mobile number so could you just tell us it so we can write it down?'

'Sure, I'll give you our home phone' Laura answers before reciting the phone number. Poppy thanks her quickly and rings off, then, with trembling fingers, begins to enter in the mobile number. She presses the phone to her ear and it begins to ring. She begins to mull over what Laura said: '_our _home phone' and the words ring in her ears over and over, until she doesn't feel like she can cope any more. _(ours, ours, ours)_

She counts the rings, biting her lip, and Emma begins to fiddle with her friendship bracelet. Then he answers. 'Hi, Matty, Laura, Jess, Finlay and Disney's phone'

He sounds so happy.

Without them.

And then she freezes, the words won't come out and she just throws the phone across the room, shattering it against the wall.

He's happy.

Without them.

_(ours, ours, ours isn't yours, yours, yours)_


End file.
